Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Queen of Butter Struck Down

Paula Deen.

We all know what happened. 
You can debate whether there's a double standard between a 60-something
White woman and Lil Wayne, Jay-Z and their ilk, but this Foodie-Conspiracy Theorist spreads it this way: 

It's a Butter Coup. On June 3, Paula's new line of finishing butters was released. Just two weeks later, the Great Defender of Butyric Acid was destroyed and her butter is going nowhere fast.

With three salubrious strokes, in Citrus Flavor, Lemon Dill, and European Style with Sea Salt, the Demon of Low-Fat would be felled.

Were the idea of "finishing butters" to catch on, people might start realizing how wonderful food tastes with butter. They might start cooking with butter, and because butter nourishes cells instead of just filling the belly, they might eat less and actually lose weight by eating real food. Toast might be, once again, spread with that golden fat that made humanity strong and virile. Spinach and broccoli might be topped with it and diabetes concurrently disappear. Cholesterol might increase, bringing better brain function and higher hormone levels to America. Men would look more handsome to their wives and wives prettier to their men. Babies would be conceived and born and that would upset the De-Population Dictocrats. Children would be calmer, less violent, angry, and restless and they might leave the guns at home. They'd be smarter with higher STAAR scores and schools would require less federal "Title" funding (read: taxes).  Nursing home beds would be empty and the elderly have both their memories and time to impart wisdom before leaving this world.  

Margarine would be out. Cancers would heal, blood pressure fall, arthritis disappear, strokes and heart attacks back to the levels of 1900 when doctors saw no myocardial infarction and the fats were butter, lard, and tallow; back to the Golden Age before Ancel Keys told his big fat lies about saturated fat.

Back to the time before Political Correctness when people had common sense and could think for themselves without media manipulation.

Ah, the Power of Butter. Its champions must be silenced.